By: ASIFA ABDUL RASOOL KHOWAJA
Separation should only be between spouses, not between parents. This idea, once expressed by a Hon’ble Family judge, carries a deep truth. With rapid social and economic change in our society, conjugal and familial relationships are becoming more complex with each passing day, and so are the conditions for their dissolutions. When a marriage ends whether through a husband’s decision to divorce or a wife’s choice to seek khula, the real victims are often the children. Their well-being, both physical and emotional, is at stake. While a husband and wife may no longer be bound by marriage, their duties as parents must remain unchanged.
Through my experience in legal practice, I have seen many cases where divorce not only breaks the bond between spouses but also disrupts the crucial connection between parents and children. In such situations, children often suffer the most, as parents, driven by ego or personal grievances, neglect their responsibilities.
One particularly painful case I came across involved a father who, under pressure from his mother, divorced his wife, leaving her to care for two children alone—one of whom was autistic. Despite knowing his child had special needs, he prioritized his pride over his duty, abandoning his family. This situation reflects the harsh reality of how personal conflicts can overshadow parental obligations.
Legally speaking, courts in Pakistan and around the world emphasize that child custody decisions should be based on what is best for the child. The Guardian and Wards Act 1890 lays out guidelines to ensure that custody decisions serve the child’s well-being, not the parents’ personal disputes. Courts generally support shared parenting unless there is a risk of harm to the child. However, in reality, many separations turn into power struggles, where one parent tries to cut the child off from the other, causing further emotional harm.
Pakistan ratified the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRC) in 1990, which affirms that children have the right to maintain relationships with both parents unless it poses a risk. Unfortunately, these principles are often ignored, leaving children at the mercy of their parents’ conflicts.
Ending a marriage does not end a parent’s responsibility. Even when spouses part ways, they must continue to provide love, guidance, and support to their children. In many countries, co-parenting is a recognized practice that ensures children benefit from the involvement of both parents. Unfortunately, this concept is not widely followed in Pakistan. Twenty years ago, shared parenting was considered a questionable parenting arrangement when a marriage dissolved. Now with shared responsibility by both parents having become a widely accepted alternative, the debate has shifted toward examining what circumstances make it workable and the extent to which responsibility should be shared. (SHARED PARENTING – The Pakistani Perspective 2nd Edition)
Co-parenting requires both parents to put aside personal differences and make joint decisions regarding their child’s upbringing. Education, healthcare, and emotional support should be a shared responsibility. When done right, co-parenting helps children feel secure and minimizes the trauma of separation.
One of the most distressing aspects of Pakistan’s legal system is the court-supervised visitation process, where children are forced to meet the non-custodial parent in a formal, often intimidating setting. This makes the situation even harder for the child, reinforcing the idea that their relationship with a parent is conditional and restricted. A more compassionate approach, such as designated child-friendly visitation centers, would be far more beneficial.
Pakistan needs to adopt legal reforms that encourage co-parenting, ensuring that children maintain meaningful relationships with both parents. Family courts should mandate counseling and mediation to help parents create healthy co-parenting plans. Awareness campaigns can educate parents on the dangers of parental alienation and highlight the importance of shared parenting. Courts should also move away from rigid visitation policies and instead create environments where children can meet both parents in a comfortable setting.
At present legal framework for child custody is based on the assumption that custody can be vested with either one of the contesting parties, and suitability is determined in a comparative manner. We need to think about custody differently and provide for a broader framework within which divorcing parents and children can decide what custodial arrangement works best for them. Therefore, now the time has come to change our mindset of finding out who the better parent is and rather to adopt a new thinking as to find out how these two parents can behave responsibly and work collectively to give their child the best from both of them. Keeping in view the observations made by the superior courts of Pakistan in multiple judgments, for example, in case of Haq Nawaz VsZeba Rashid cited as 2023 YLR 816 Peshawar,.
Divorce or separation should never mean that children lose access to one of their parents. A husband and wife may choose to part ways, but the roles of a mother and father are permanent. As a society, we must promote responsible parenting, ensuring that children are not left to suffer because of their parents’ choices. As Nelson Mandela once said, “There can be no keener revelation of a society’s soul than the way in which it treats its children.” It is time we put our children first, making co-parenting a norm so they receive the love, care, and stability they deserve.
