Fatima Yousuf
Domestic violence, the abuse that occurs behind closed doors, takes many forms and is often dismissed as a private matter that should remain within the four walls of the home. By labelling it as a personal issue, it is normalized by our society and perpetuates the misconception that such violence is acceptable or, at worst, none of our concern. It is a pattern of behaviour where one partner tries to control the other through different forms of abuse. This abuse can be physical (like hitting or slapping), emotional (such as threats or insults), financial (like controlling money), or sexual. It often begins in the name of love. It is often viewed as a women-centric issue; however, it is important to realize that it can affect both men and women, but prevalence among women globally is higher. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), every 1 in 3 women experiences violence of any form from their intimate partner. The consequences of the abuse affect the wider family and not just the victim.
Physical abuse is the most visible form of domestic violence, but emotional abuse often lurks in the shadows, leaving scars that are just as deep but far less acknowledged. These are actions or words meant to dehumanize the partner, including gas lighting and manipulation. Among the most destructive forms of abuse is narcissistic abuse, especially in a relationship or marriage. It is a psychological and emotional abuse. Many people don’t even recognize it because it often feels “off” without being able to pinpoint the underlying issue. It can be subtle, and without the awareness of what it looks like, victims may dismiss their feelings or normalize the behaviour. Often, individuals in narcissistic relationships feel confused, questioning whether they are overreacting or if the dysfunction is their fault. This makes it even harder to identify. It often begins with the “love-bombing” phase, where everything is too good to be true, and the partner gets blinded by the love, affection, and grand gestures. This is just a manipulation tactic to establish control.
The real danger lies in the shift that occurs once the victim becomes emotionally dependent on the abuser. When the abuser shifts from idealization to devaluation, the victim is left confused and may tell themselves that the abusive behaviour is just “mood swings” or “bad days,” normalizing the abuse, while recalling the love-bombing phase as the good times they have had together. The victim believes that the abuse is part of a normal relationship dynamic or that it’s just a phase. The emotional toll of narcissistic abuse is especially damaging when it occurs under the guise of love. For those who hold the sanctity of marriage or close relationships in high regard, realizing that they were manipulated in the name of love can be devastating. In cultures that value commitment, like Islam, Nikkah is a lifetime commitment, and the realization that the relationship was not built on trust or genuine affection can feel like a betrayal of the deepest kind. Victims of narcissistic abuse often feel betrayed not only by their partner but also by their perception of what love and trust should be.
Financial abuse is often an extension of narcissistic abuse, making the partner financially dependent and abusing the control of those finances, torturing them by restricting access. It can also involve simply not letting them earn their own money. This leaves the victim without support and resources to escape the relationship. Sexual abuse is any non-consensual sexual contact. It is often imposed to boost the abuser’s ego and demonstrate power over the victim. Sometimes, it even involves controlling the victim’s reproductive choices.
Physical abuse, involves aggression inflicted on the partner in the name of anger or temper issues. Domestic violence is not limited to one type of abuse; many victims experience multiple forms simultaneously. The types mentioned above are some of the most common, but it’s especially important to raise awareness about narcissistic abuse, as it is often overlooked due to its psychological nature. Once we understand narcissistic abuse, we begin to realize that, at some point in our lives, many of us have encountered a narcissist. What felt “off” to us was real, and we were not insane for questioning it.
In Pakistan, even educated men may engage in domestic violence due to deeply ingrained societal and cultural influences. Patriarchal conditioning, where men are raised to believe in their dominance over women, often persists despite education. Women are expected to remain submissive and silent, and abuse is frequently normalized within families and communities. The Pakistan Demographic and Health Survey reveals that 34% of ever-married women have experienced physical, sexual, or emotional violence from their spouses, and 28% of women aged 15-49 have endured physical violence. During the COVID-19 pandemic, domestic violence cases increased. Gender roles reinforced in childhood can perpetuate the idea that controlling or disciplining women is acceptable behavior. Cultural norms often prioritize family honour and male authority, sometimes backed by misinterpreted religious teachings.
When a woman experiences domestic violence and later becomes a mother, the trauma she endured can have lasting effects on her children, perpetuating a cycle of abuse that can pass from one generation to the next. Children who grow up in environments where domestic violence is prevalent often face emotional trauma, even if they are not direct victims. They may develop anxiety, depression, or anger issues, which can persist into adulthood. These children may internalize the violence as normal behaviour or see abusive dynamics as acceptable in relationships. A mother who has experienced domestic violence may struggle to provide a stable and secure attachment to her child. Trauma can make it difficult for her to respond to her child’s needs appropriately, which affects the child’s emotional development and later relationships.
Breaking the cycle of domestic violence and trauma requires interventions at multiple levels. Therapy must be destigmatized, and mental health support systems should be made available to all. As a society, we often act as enablers without realizing it. We tend to minimize the severity of abuse, sometimes labelling it as “normal relationship conflicts” or “heated arguments.” This normalization allows abusive behaviours to continue unchecked. Schools, workplaces, and media outlets should provide educational programs about recognizing signs of abuse, offering resources for victims, and addressing gender norms that contribute to abuse. By understanding what domestic violence truly is, recognizing the red flags early, and taking action to prevent it, we can break the cycle of abuse. As a society, we must stop enabling these behaviours, speak out against abuse, and create a culture where violence is no longer tolerated in any form. Ensuring that our future generations are protected from the devastating impacts of domestic violence.
